1. You don’t have to believe the news anymore...
All news is now #fakenews, and that is great news (the fact that this is great news being the last ever piece of #realnews, OK? As in it’s true that all news is now #fakenews). Anything bad that’s reported – anything – just did not happen. George Michael’s death, that bomb that went off the other day somewhere, the rising price of Marmite: all stories concocted by the liberal luvvie media to stop us feeling positive about the future. Even the election of Dona… oh, wait: that did happen.
2. You can wear fake tan with pride...
Fake tan is one of the greatest inventions of the last 100 years, right up there with the internet, post-it notes and Adele albums. And Donald J Trump’s arrival heralds the end of the much-too-long era of natural look tone-from-a-bottle. Trust us, The Only Way Is Essex is going to seem like the Addams Family in contrast to the beautiful, cigarette butt-coloured faces that will be parading onto a high street – and mirror – near you very soon indeed.
3. You’re going to have a new wall to visit
Hadrian? Pah. Let me tell you a little something about that guy. When it comes to wall building, that guy is resoundingly minor league. Have you ever seen that thing? Put a pair of those new Nikes on, you could hurdle it, no problem at all. Whereas Trump’s wall will scare the shit out of Renaud Lavillenie* himself. Plus it’s being paid for by drug dealing rapists**, which is always a bonus.
4. You'll soon be able to lose the hat and mittens…
“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!” tweeted the great man not so long ago at all. Donald, honey: you should try London right now. Sooner we get a nice big hole up in the ozone layer just above Big Ben, the better.
5 …and won’t have to take out the recycling anymore
Don’t know about you, but I have had ENOUGH of spending every Monday morning scraping every last fraction of mango chutney my Sunday night curry has to offer into one bin, then having to put that little polystyrene cup in another, then having to put that little plastic lid in another. So it was wonderful to learn that – and, again, I’m quoting here – “the concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive.” US manufacturing? I could give a rat’s arse. Sorry China: I just want one bin for everything.
6 You won't feel bad about the way you look so much
The worst thing about Obama was how effortlessly trim, healthy and, frankly, hot-as-hell he looked even while doing the most stressful job on planet earth. When did that guy find the time to even brush his teeth, let alone go to the gym? The Donald, meanwhile, has the sort of physique that you want from the most omnipresent figure on TV. A physique that says to you, ‘Ten minutes on the treadmill once this week is fine. Get a dessert, you’ve earned it.”
7. The newspapers are going to be much more readable
You know how you buy a broadsheet twice a week for your tube journey, because you think you should sort of know what’s going on in the world, but actually reading about what old people in suits are doing with your income tax is pretty boring, and deep down you’d rather be reading about what Kim’n’Kanye have been up to? Well, thanks to the president elect and his antics, even the stuffiest of broadsheets is not going to be able to help but come across like Chat magazine.
8. You will barely even notice the UK’s homegrown shitstorm
At this very second, Teresa May and team are making a right old pig’s ear of that whole Brexit thing that they insisted was going to align the planets, decimate UK unemployment and reunite One Direction. But who had even noticed? Who even has the time to notice, when the nuclear codes are about to be handed to a guy who once said he’d quite like to take his own daughter out for a drink? Not me, not you, not anyone.
9. You won’t have FOMO from his parties
Another thing about Obama: how annoying was it to see the photos of his shindigs at the White House, with Beyonce, Mick Jagger, Aretha Franklin, Bruce Springsteen and one of the Jonas brothers all singing and dancing away in front of a smattering of invitees who were smiling so hard it looked like they might explode? It. Was. Not. Fair. Trump knows this. He’s a man of the people. And that’s why he’s going to make sure you never, ever get down about not getting to see the musical acts at one of his dos.
10. You’re going to get to read at least another four years’ worth of sneering, unfunny, sarcastic, preaching-to-the-converted, ultimately pointless, left-leaning, probably slightly libellous posts about what a douchebag Donald Trump is...You know, like this one.
*Renaud Lavillenie holds the world record for pole-vaulting
**Mexicans, to the rest of us
Continued below...
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